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SATIRE NEWS: What Trump Will Do On His First Day In Office

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Former President Donald Trump famously said that he would be “a dictator” on day one if he’s reelected this November. Here is everything that Trump plans to do on his first day in office.

Fill Out W-4

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Even if they have an old one on file, you still have to do a new one for whatever dumb reason.

Rehang Portrait Of Christy Canyon

Rehang Portrait Of Christy Canyon

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The ’80s porn star and Swank magazine model’s life-size portrait will again hang where the portrait of FDR currently does.

Ask If He Can Go Home Early

Ask If He Can Go Home Early

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There’s famously not much to do on day one of any job, and it wouldn’t be a surprise if Trump asked to punch out of work early.

Build the IKEA Malm Bed

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Scandinavian minimalism and affordable pricing will feature heavily in the returning president’s interior design choices.

Make Himself Beg For A Pardon

Make Himself Beg For A Pardon

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He’s willing to pardon himself, but only if he gets down on his hands and knees.

Mark Height On Oval Office Door Jamb

Mark Height On Oval Office Door Jamb

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It will be exciting to see how much he’s grown!

Prosecute And Immediately Pardon Tucker Carlson

Prosecute And Immediately Pardon Tucker Carlson

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Anything to get back on his good side.

Deport Everyone Whose Names He Can’t Pronounce

Deport Everyone Whose Names He Can’t Pronounce

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This would include roughly 200 million Americans.

Fire His Press Secretary

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It’s like riding a bike.

Assign Slurs To Staffers

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Trump is certain to get right to calling his staffers hateful terms the minute he’s in the Oval Office.

Hang Mike Pence

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Failing to kill his VP was one of Trump’s biggest regrets from his previous term.

Execute One-Third Of All Americans At Random

Execute One-Third Of All Americans At Random

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Political commentators have stressed that this was likely an exaggeration by Trump and the real number will be no larger than 25%.

Find Out Where Our Waitress Went

Find Out Where Our Waitress Went

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He’s gonna go find her because she hasn’t come by in, like, 15 minutes.

Hour-Long Online Training Module On How To Be An Upstanding President

Hour-Long Online Training Module On How To Be An Upstanding President

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HR makes every president do this.

Invade Luxembourg

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No one will see it coming, and a wartime president is always popular.

Preemptively Pardon Everyone Involved In The Events Of Feb. 12, 2025

Preemptively Pardon Everyone Involved In The Events Of Feb. 12, 2025

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You’ll find out why that date is significant when the time comes.

Release New Merch

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Those lawsuits don’t pay for themselves!

You’ve Made It This Far…

You’ve Made It This Far…



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