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Fill Out W-4
Even if they have an old one on file, you still have to do a new one for whatever dumb reason.
Rehang Portrait Of Christy Canyon
The ’80s porn star and Swank magazine model’s life-size portrait will again hang where the portrait of FDR currently does.
Ask If He Can Go Home Early
There’s famously not much to do on day one of any job, and it wouldn’t be a surprise if Trump asked to punch out of work early.
Build the IKEA Malm Bed
Scandinavian minimalism and affordable pricing will feature heavily in the returning president’s interior design choices.
Make Himself Beg For A Pardon
He’s willing to pardon himself, but only if he gets down on his hands and knees.
Mark Height On Oval Office Door Jamb
It will be exciting to see how much he’s grown!
Prosecute And Immediately Pardon Tucker Carlson
Anything to get back on his good side.
Deport Everyone Whose Names He Can’t Pronounce
This would include roughly 200 million Americans.
Fire His Press Secretary
It’s like riding a bike.
Assign Slurs To Staffers
Trump is certain to get right to calling his staffers hateful terms the minute he’s in the Oval Office.
Hang Mike Pence
Failing to kill his VP was one of Trump’s biggest regrets from his previous term.
Execute One-Third Of All Americans At Random
Political commentators have stressed that this was likely an exaggeration by Trump and the real number will be no larger than 25%.
Find Out Where Our Waitress Went
He’s gonna go find her because she hasn’t come by in, like, 15 minutes.
Hour-Long Online Training Module On How To Be An Upstanding President
HR makes every president do this.
Invade Luxembourg
No one will see it coming, and a wartime president is always popular.
Preemptively Pardon Everyone Involved In The Events Of Feb. 12, 2025
You’ll find out why that date is significant when the time comes.
Release New Merch
Those lawsuits don’t pay for themselves!