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SATIRE NEWS: Nation’s White Women Announce They Have New Perspective On Paris Hilton

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WASHINGTON—Saying they’d learned a lot about her life and the adversities she’d faced over the years, the nation’s white women announced Monday that they had a new perspective on socialite and media personality Paris Hilton. “After many difficult, arduous hours spent reflecting on our own deeply held biases and misconceptions, as well as how the media wrongly portrayed her, we see Paris in a totally different light now,” said Cleveland resident Carly Strong, 44, who spoke on behalf of over 110 million white women across the country, adding that while back in the 2000s, they saw Hilton as a “ditsy, entitled nepo baby,” now they saw her as a strong businesswoman, role model, and mother. “Previously, we’d only really seen her on the Simple Life and other shows that depicted her as a dumb blonde who only cared about looking good and spending all her father’s money. But after reading a couple articles about her in The Cut and watching that documentary about how she got sent to an abusive reform school, we can forgive just about anything she does. Even becoming a highly paid DJ.” The nation’s white women went on to state that no matter how much they’d learned to love and respect Hilton, they still couldn’t get over how big and weird her baby’s head was.



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