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SATIRE NEWS: Best Parts Of Trump’s $60 ‘God Bless The USA’ Bible

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Donald Trump recently announced on Truth Social that he has teamed up with country music artist Lee Greenwood to sell a custom “God Bless The USA” Bible for $59.99. Here is everything we know about the bespoke religious text that the former president is hawking.

Scholarly Annotations By Kevin Sorbo

Scholarly Annotations By Kevin Sorbo

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The MAGA loyalist and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys star provides insightful historical notes throughout.

Drippings From Trump’s Cheeseburger

Drippings From Trump’s Cheeseburger

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The grease stains appearing midway through the Gospel of Mark were only made on a few copies, which are now limited-edition collector’s items.

Part Where Jesus Encounters 5,000 Hungry People And Runs Them Over With Pickup Truck

Part Where Jesus Encounters 5,000 Hungry People And Runs Them Over With Pickup Truck

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Other Bibles just gloss over this miracle.

Israelites Have Been Renamed

Israelites Have Been Renamed

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In order to make them seem less Jewish, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob now go by Tucker, Rudy, and Ted Nugent.

Retelling Of Crucifixion In Which Jesus Is Killed By Migrant Caravan

Retelling Of Crucifixion In Which Jesus Is Killed By Migrant Caravan

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The edited scripture stresses Jesus never would’ve died if Jerusalem had a strong border wall.

1988 ‘Hustler’ Centerfold

1988 ‘Hustler’ Centerfold

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Amberlee is a barely legal dancer out of Sarasota, Florida.

Readers Are Named As Co-Defendants In His Next Legal Case

Readers Are Named As Co-Defendants In His Next Legal Case

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Nestled within the “terms and conditions” is a clause that states purchase of the Bible makes the owner legally culpable in all future cases brought against Trump, whether civil or criminal.

Trump’s Golf Scorecard

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If God Almighty says Trump shot a 67, then it must be true.

Blasphemy Matches

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The inside cover includes a set of easy-strike matches for burning all heretical, non-Trump versions of the Bible.

Eric Trump Chew Marks

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He got ahold of a few copies, sorry.

Upgradable

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For an extra $20 you can get one that says adultery is okay.

Illuminations Of Jesus Participating In Jan. 6

Illuminations Of Jesus Participating In Jan. 6

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Apparently Christ the Lord would’ve gladly hung Mike Pence.

Trump Family Genealogy

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If you read closely enough you will see that the former president is a descendant of Jacob and will live to be 248 years old.

Several Classified Documents

Several Classified Documents

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Copies of the U.S. military’s nuclear launch codes can be found midway through Leviticus in most copies.

Supplemental Section Includes Lyrics To Kid Rock’s ‘Bawitdaba’

Supplemental Section Includes Lyrics To Kid Rock’s ‘Bawitdaba’

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Part of the effort to collect all the most significant spiritual texts in one place.

Three Bonus Gospels

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The Trump New Testament includes never-before-seen books including the Gospels of Eric, Tiffany, and Boebert.

No Old Testament

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You’ve Made It This Far…

You’ve Made It This Far…



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