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SATIRE NEWS: Best Practices For Policing Protests

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While police are well trained to shoot unarmed civilians, plant evidence, and file for overtime, dealing with larger-scale events like arresting several hundred college students can be more daunting. The following are the best practices law enforcement should follow when clearing political protests and demonstrations.

  • Lay your militarized tactical gear out the night before so you don’t forget anything.
  • Cheat your hips at a 45-degree angle to appear slimmer on cell phone footage.
  • Stay hydrated—nothing is worse than a clubbing cramp.
  • When dragging protesters, be sure to lift with your legs.
  • Blame whatever goes wrong on a severe lack of police department funding.
  • Coordinate with other agencies to ensure nobody feels left out of the fun.
  • Shoot now, attend mandatory webinars later.
  • Just keep swinging until nothing’s moving anymore.



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