HUNTINGTON, NY—Eagerly explaining to the 9-year-old that the investment was already down 11% since purchase, Marcus Aldaco reportedly gave his...
BEVERLY, MA—Launching into preparations months early in an effort to get a head start, proactive local man Mark Cromwell was...
The post JD Vance Rushed To Walter Reed After Inner Hillbilly Returns appeared first on The Onion. Source link...
BRAINERD, MN—Admitting that it was finally time to grow up and start making healthy life choices, local man Russell McGrath...
STAVANGER, NORWAY—Moments after a stunning defeat by 19-year-old Indian prodigy Gukesh Dommaraju, befuddled chess grandmaster Magnus Carlsen exclaimed Monday that he...
SAN DIEGO—Shocked by the Immigration and Customs Enforcement raids affecting her very own community, local 43-year-old Jillian Beamer told reporters...
Japan has a new sumo grand champion and the first Japanese competitor to reach the top rank since 2017, the...
CHICAGO—After forgetting to bring sufficient entertainment for the two-hour flight from Atlanta to O’Hare Airport, area man Kenneth Vargas reportedly...
WASHINGTON—As part of a flurry of legal actions in recent days that granted clemency to more than 25 people, President Donald...
The Trump administration canceled a contract awarded to Moderna for the late-stage development of its bird flu vaccine for humans,...
WASHINGTON—Causing the White House deputy chief of staff to experience intense psychological distress, a novelty car horn playing “La Cucaracha”...
A study found that healthy people who regularly smoked marijuana or consumed THC-laced edibles showed signs of early cardiovascular disease...
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A 37-year-old cryptocurrency investor was charged with kidnapping a man and beating, shocking and torturing him for weeks inside a...
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to give the impression that they had been burning the midnight oil while CEO Elon Musk...
CUPERTINO, CA—Amidst the strain of tariffs, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced Thursday the launch of a new 7,083-piece iPhone kit....
The post Rusted Qatari Plane Sitting On Blocks On White House Lawn appeared first on The Onion. Source link...
MEMPHIS, TN—In a last-ditch effort to keep the lights on, the Memphis Science Center confirmed it had opened a new...
The post Stapler Not The Same Since Tasting Human Flesh appeared first on The Onion. Source link...
The post 213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That? appeared first on The Onion. Source link...