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COLUMBIA, MO—A darkness falling upon the corridor as they sat on the couch enjoying a movie, residents of a local three-bedroom apartment reportedly cowered in terror Friday as a roommate’s hookup lumbered toward the bathroom. According to sources, a monstrous groan was heard from behind a closed bedroom door, followed by spine-chilling creaks as something abominable rose from the bed and trudged toward the hallway, the floorboards trembling beneath it with every lurch forward. Reports confirmed two women relaxing in the living room froze in abject horror as they heard a door handle jiggle, and they were seen turning a ghastly white as the threshold gave way to a towering mound of flesh and plaid boxers. For what felt like hours, according to witnesses, the bellowing reverberations of piss hitting toilet water and a throat being cleared of deep-seated phlegm echoed throughout the home, the sound projecting through a bathroom door left a third of the way open. The women, who reportedly sat in still silence in hopes of not being noticed by the colossal beast, are believed to have sighed with relief when they heard a roaring flush, expecting the ogre to finally shuffle back from whence he came. At press time, petrified screams rang out as the roommates realized the beast was instead headed to the kitchen to chug an entire glass of tap water while standing in front of the sink, mere feet from where they sat with no place to hide.
