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ALPHARETTA, GA—Racking his brain for the reason he decided to apply lard to his person and publicly self-immolate, absent-minded man Tim Bagwell told reporters Tuesday that he couldn’t remember why he slathered his nude body in pork fat and lit himself on fire. “I cannot for the life of me recall why I stripped off all my clothes, immersed myself in slaughterhouse hog waste, and struck a match,” said the ablaze 43-year-old, attempting to retrace his thought process after breaking into a local rendering facility and stealing processed pig remains. “Think, think, think. Okay, I remember descending into the sewer so I could catch live rats with my bare hands and put them down my pants for sexual gratification—that much makes sense. But I really lose track of my thought process around the point where I emerged from the manhole, flagged down that woman in the Subaru, and threatened to eat her grandchildren alive. Not sure what I was thinking there, to be honest.” At press time, Bagwell figured he’d just scream passages from the Book of Leviticus at passersby until the reason came to him.
