LOS ANGELES—Confessing that they couldn’t stand the thought of bursting their teammate’s perfect little bubble, sources confirmed Friday that nobody...
LAS VEGAS—With onlookers gasping as the former football star made a big show of being too big for the casket,...
WEATOGUE, CT—Delivering the message just as their daughters were getting ready to order lunch, the nation’s moms called a press...
Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez of Spain announced plans to scrap a so-called “golden visa” law that allows wealthy non-E.U. residents...
These short phrases were crafted to perfectly encapsulate each state’s repulsive residents and atrocious history. The Onion examines the official...
THE KINGDOM OF KARAVAR—Indicating that strong performances in such feats of strength and agility were highly predictive of future triumphs,...
KERRVILLE, TX—Exasperated with the view from the place they were standing to observe the astronomical event, local spectators complained Monday...
COLUMBIA, MO—A darkness falling upon the corridor as they sat on the couch enjoying a movie, residents of a local...
After the Iowa star became the all-time Division 1 scoring leader with 3,900 points this year, The Onion interviewed men...
The Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a Civil War–era near-total abortion ban is law. The Onion provides in-depth analysis of...
The Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a 160-year-old law banning all abortions from the time of conception with no allowances...
A woman in Florida was sentenced to jail time for stealing President Joe Biden’s daughter’s journal and selling it to...
PLANTATION, FL—Despite being a grown-ass adult in the year 2024, local resident Stu Jeffries told reporters Tuesday that he still...
Country music singer Morgan Wallen was arrested after throwing a chair off the roof of a newly six-story bar in...
Rejoice, sky-gazers, for you are about to behold one of the universe’s most amazing astronomical events. Watch now for a...
SANTA CLARA, CA—Agreeing it would be a lot more comfortable for everyone if the elderly man’s actions were rationalized that...
GLENCOE, IL—Noting that she must be some kind of genius to get such amazing results, students told reporters Friday that...
WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the nation’s astonishing athletic abilities, the Pew Research Center released a new study Friday finding that...