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Blue Diamond Almonds–Sponsored Pre-Roll
Just gotta get through 30 seconds of advertisements for Xtreme almonds and we’ll get to see the eclipse!
This Would Be A Good Time To Use The Bathroom If You’d Like To Miss Everything
Don’t worry, we’ll call you as soon as the extraordinarily rare event is completely finished.
Huh, Never Noticed How Bright The Sun Is
Didn’t really have a reason to think about it before the eclipse.
Put On Your 2025 Novelty Glasses Now!
It’s time to celebrate the New Year!!! Woo-hoo!!!!
Family Dog Starts Levitating
Coco definitely knows something’s up, because he just started hovering 3 feet off the ground!
Uh-oh, Some Random Guy Is Sitting In Our Lawn Chair
Unfortunately, we’re not the confrontational type, so guess it’s his now.
Moon Gets Cold Feet
The moon retreats as it gets self-conscious that everyone is watching it.
Clapping
The moon needs lots of encouragement to keep going. Clap! Clap your little hearts out!
Moon Just Did A Backflip
Holy shit, that little fucker has moves.
Goddammit, The Clouds Are Covering The Eclipse
To be fair, though, this is sort of like a triple eclipse.
Darkness Experienced For The First Time In 375 Years
For the first time in hundreds of years, humans experience “darkness,” a strange sensation characterized by an absence of light that many previously believed was a myth.
Animals Have Been Driven Mad With Horniness
The horses are mating with the cows! The ducks are mating with dogs! It’s bedlam…
But It’s Also…Strangely…Enticing…
Hmm, can’t hurt to watch all the animals rutting and see what happens. Maybe you can get in on the action, too.
Put Down The Knife
Wait, why are you holding a knife all of a sudden? And why are you covered in blood?
Sun Embarrassed By Goth Phase
The total solar eclipse ends after the sun realizes it looks stupid as hell.
Fuck, Our Fucking Glasses Fell Off
Ow, ow, ow, oh wow it’s so beautiful, ow, ow, ow.
Hello?
Oh my God, is this what blindness looks like? We always thought it would look more like blackness, but that looks more like the Albanian flag.
Still Can’t See A Goddamn Thing
Jesus, this is scary. We can’t believe we took our sense of sight for granted all these years.
Our Retinas, They Burn
Is this what Helen Keller saw her whole life?
Jupiter Beats The Moon To The Punch
Damn. Jupiter just swooped in front of the sun out of nowhere, and now the moon is forced to wait in line.
Spouse Divorcing You
Right about now they’re in your email, finding the booking for two you made at a motel on the path of totality, even though you told them this trip was for work.
Sun Becomes Aroused
Please look away until it goes down.
If You Look Closely, Buzz Aldrin Can Be Seen Riding The Moon Like A Horse
Just like riding a bike, you never forget how.
Oh No, The Moon Bucked Aldrin Off, And Now He’s Floating Away!
Totality
This is it! So beautiful!
False Alarm
That was just Danny Trejo floating across the path of the sun—not the moon.
Moon Electrocuted By Sun
The sun is known to protect itself and its personal space with an industrial cattle prod.
Gaze Upon’s God’s Anus
Wow, there it is! The gaping asshole of our Creator! Staring at us in all its glory!
Pretty Gorgeous, Right?
This is absolutely worth the $1,200 in flights, $600 in dog-sitting, $750 for a rental car, and $35 per hour you are losing from taking the day off.
Blue Diamond Almonds–Sponsored Mid-Roll
Okay, pretty good eclipse so far. Now it’s time to watch more about ghost pepper almonds…
What…What Is That?
It’s totally normal to look into the eclipse and see all your childhood memories playing back at you, right?
Is That Another Moon?
No, that can’t be. Can it?
Wait, It’s Claiming To Be The Real Moon
So, the moon we’ve known and loved our entire life is an imposter?
Now The First Moon Is Saying That The Second Moon Is The Imposter
We have to kill one of them, but which one?
God, We Hope We Made The Right Decision
But then why is the moon smiling so sinisterly?
Moon Struggling To Make Up Flimsy Excuse To Leave Right After Eclipse
Always super awkward since the sun obviously expects it to sleep over.
Oh Wait, There’s Still A Little Bit Of Eclipse Left
Darn, even though it seemed like there was a bit of eclipse left, guess you went back to YouTube and watched the Jack Link’s commercial for a third and fourth time today. And now the whole thing is over. Oh well, probably catch it next time.
Aw, Shoot, You Missed It
Got distracted by that funny Jack Link’s commercial again. Really funny, though.
Nothing Left To Look Forward To