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WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the nation’s astonishing athletic abilities, the Pew Research Center released a new study Friday finding that the majority of Americans could jump the parking meter if their bum knees weren’t acting up. “According to our research, an astonishing 76% of Americans could clear that meter with a foot to spare, easy, if it weren’t for for their trick knee,” said study author Johnathan Yuhl, whose research was supported by decades of data that showed Americans’ friends had seen them do it before, they swear. “We found that the vast majority of Americans could do it five years ago, no problem, and in fact, they used to regularly clear two parking meters at a time with money on the line. Unfortunately, millions of Americans’ left knee buckles now every time it rains.” At press time, a new study issued by Gallup alleged that Americans were liars who couldn’t so much as jump a fire hydrant.
