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NEW GLARUS, WI—Tsking her tongue with envy as she put the finishing touches on her teen’s at-home hairstyling, local mom Sandra Bennett told reporters Friday that she was pretty jealous of all the dick her daughter was going to pull with those highlights. “Honestly, I’m happy knowing what these dirty blond highlights will do for Cassie, but it’s hard not to wish I were in her boots, knowing the second she’s back at school she’s going to be plowed six ways from Sunday,” said Bennett, admitting she had mixed feelings of pride and enviousness as she imagined the way her daughter’s L’Oreal DIY highlights would get her tossed from classmate to classmate like a rag doll. “It was bad enough when she got her ears pierced at Claire’s, but now? My God, she’s going to be straight-up pregnant within the week. What a lucky kid. As parents we do so much to help our kids get laid.” At press time, Bennett had reportedly resolved to get her own highlights and try hanging out at a local bowling alley to see if she could get in on the action.
