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SATIRE NEWS: Florida’s Near-Total Abortion Ban By The Numbers

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Florida has passed a restrictive law that bans abortions after six weeks from a woman’s last menstrual period, before most women know they are pregnant. The Onion breaks down the numbers behind the state’s war on reproductive rights.

  • 0: Number of unwanted babies who will be adopted by the people who pushed for the ban.
  • 1: Ultrasound tech from Daytona who really needs a vacation.
  • 545-683-9177: Hey, it’s Janet from a few weeks ago. We need to talk.
  • 16: Number of podcast episodes to queue up for the drive to Virginia.
  • 350,000: Feet of unwanted umbilical cord to be produced each year by women unable to terminate pregnancies.
  • 1: Brilliant marketing opportunity for Carnival Cruises to offer abortions under maritime law.
  • 0: Percentage increase in condom sales.
  • 6: Weeks to get to Georgia before they close the border



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