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Arizona Wasn’t A State Yet
Luckily the Arizona Supreme Court believes statehood begins at conception.
It’s Written In Old-Timey Language
Women are exclusively referred to as “varmints” throughout the law’s text.
The Civil War Was When Women’s Rights Peaked
In 1864, women actually had far more rights than men, who at the time weren’t even allowed to vote.
It Includes A Special Provision For The Case Of Rape
If the pregnancy is a result of rape, the mother and her rapist will share a jail cell.
Crumbled Into Dust The Second The Justices Took It Out Of Its Case
Although the bill dissolved when Arizona Chief Justice Robert M. Brutinel removed it from its protective chamber, he did go on to say “Oops” and stress that he had read it a bunch and “pretty much” remembered everything it said.
It Says A Baby Is Conceived When God Done Put It In There
Unsurprisingly, science wasn’t as advanced back then.
There Is An Exception To Save The Woman’s Life
See, it’s not so bad! Once again, these sluts are overreacting.
Each Individual Sperm Is Granted The Right Of Secession
The only case in which a pregnancy can legally be terminated is if a sovereign sperm decides to secede from the egg.
Temperatures In Arizona Have Risen About 2.5 Degrees Fahrenheit Since The Beginning Of The 20th Century
Just seems like something they should be taking action on instead of this.
It’s Up To The States To Decide How To Torture Women
Since the overturning of Roe v. Wade, it’s now up to states to figure out new, exciting, fucked-up ways to ruin women’s lives.
Rape And Incest Are Chill There
It’s even become the cornerstone of the state’s new national tourism campaign.
Requires All Women Who Get Abortions To Also Receive An Emergency Trepanning
Legislators in 1864 required all women to have a hole bored through their skull in order to cleanse their head of demons.
The Law Specifically Calls Out Those Sluts At ASU
Even though the school would not be formed until 1885, the law knew these women were built differently.
Written In Forgotten, Eldritch Tongue
Long before English became the language of the land in the early 20th century, a strange and unnameable language was used that caused the eyes of those who read it to openly bleed and drove mad anyone who dared speak its syllables aloud.
Any Woman, Regardless Of Whether They’ve Had An Abortion, Can Be Prosecuted Under The 1864 Law
Best not to take chances when dealing with a permanent underclass.
All Aborted Fetuses Were Conscripted Into The Civil War
Regardless of how developed their fetus was at the time, women were required to put it in an army uniform and give it a musket.
Party Schools Are Not Pleased
Without abortions, they’d lose tuition from half of each class.
It Adds A Part To The Hippocratic Oath About How Abortion Is A Sin
In Arizona, when doctors take the Hippocratic oath, they have to acknowledge that God will smite them for saving a woman’s life.
Consists Of Giant X Written On Parchment
All legislators from the period were illiterate, so the current Arizona Supreme Court may have been somewhat liberal in its interpretation of this single giant X.
It Includes 67 Pages Of Pornographic Charcoal Drawings
Lawmakers tried to capture every possible cause of pregnancy in this addendum.
It Was Sponsored By Billingham’s Horses
The local horse farm paid 30 cents to run a full-page ad mid-bill.
There’s A Glass Box With A Gun In It That Says ‘In Case Of Abortion’
The bill comes with a gun that legislators can use to hunt down women who dare to break the law.