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LEAWOOD, KS—Urging her boyfriend to calm down after he woke up and immediately began to panic, Taylor Swift reportedly began her day Friday by playing a video reminding Travis Kelce who she is and how long they’ve dated. “Hi baby, I know you don’t know who I am right now, but my name is Taylor, and I love you very much,” said Swift, who, for the 200th time since the two started dating, played a 30-minute video that explained who the Kansas City Chiefs tight end was, how he woke up in a mansion, and why he was lying in bed with one of the world’s most famous singer-songwriters. “See, that’s you as a baby. And that’s you on the Kansas City Chiefs, with all your friends like Patrick Mahomes and Andy Reid. And that’s me. You thought I was pretty, so you gave me a friendship bracelet with your phone number on it. Now you’re dating a 14-time Grammy winner slash billionaire. To be honest, I don’t know how you pulled it off either!” At press time, sources confirmed Swift was gently reminding Travis Kelce that none of her former romantic partners mattered, firstly because she was over them, but secondly because he wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning.
