SATIRE NEWS: Supreme Court Rules 6-3 That Everyone A Damn Critic

WASHINGTON—In a provocative 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that everyone’s a damn critic these days. “It is this court’s opinion that apparently everyone has their own ideas about how this court should operate and is not shy about sharing their views—even when no one asks,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in his 10-page majority decision, which cites numerous legal precedents of people being able to dish it out but not take it. “After a period of careful review, we have no choice but to uphold the Rehnquist Court’s 1993 ruling that there’s just no pleasing some people. My colleagues and I have pored over the evidence and believe that if everyone thinks it’s so freaking easy to do this job, they should put on a robe and try it for themselves. A little appreciation would be nice from time to time—that’s all we’re mandating here.” In an opinion joined by two of her colleagues, Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote a blistering dissent in which she argued that, sometimes, the court’s critics may have a point.