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Former President Donald Trump has yet to announce his running mate for the 2024 election and is reportedly still considering several different candidates. The Onion breaks down exactly what Trump is expecting from his next vice president.
- At least one credible accusation of sexual misconduct: Trump needs to know his VP is the type of guy who won’t take no for an answer.
- Severe food allergy: Easier to control a vice president when they know you can kill them by slipping in a few ground peanuts.
- Betroth their youngest daughter to Barron: The bloodline must be secured, and a rich dowry must be procured to replenish the family coffers.
- Be buried alive with Trump if he dies: By contract, anyone who works for Trump must be entombed with him and all his possessions in order to serve him in the afterlife.
- Experience denying things at the statewide level or higher: Ideally five years or more denying and covering up as a governor or senator.
- Proficient in hand-to-hand combat and the katana: Trump’s enemies are everywhere, and they will stop at nothing to take him down.
- Not Eric: First words out of Trump’s mouth just in case one of his aides gets any ideas.