SATIRE NEWS: Improved Prosthetic Hand Only Chokes Owner 63% Of Time

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Boasting new safety features that have drastically cut down on patient fatalities, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology unveiled an improved prosthetic hand this week that only chokes its owner 63% of the time. “With a superior level of control, our new prosthetic hand is the first that isn’t guaranteed to take control of your arm and wrap itself around your windpipe in a bid to control your body,” said lead designer Alan Dao, who noted that the prosthetic hand’s new artificial skin covering is much less likely to leave lesions when it does attempt to squeeze your neck until suffocation. “A choke-free hand has always been the holy grail of prosthetic design, but it was only recently that we could get the processing power necessary to override these devices’ inherent desire to kill. It has a more natural range of motion that makes it easier to grip delicate objects, and the device is also way less likely to grab a butcher knife and drive it into your stomach so it can claim your life as its own. In fact, this is such a big step forward that we think we can get the murder rate by prosthetic limbs below 25% by the end of the century.” Dao added that while the new hand is less likely to choke you, improved grip strength means if it does, it can crush your spinal cord in seconds.