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THE HEAVENS—Begging the deliverymen to stay while He figured something out, the Lord God Almighty cursed loudly Thursday after He reportedly realized the gates of heaven were not wide enough for His new couch to fit through. “Are you fucking kidding Me? Wayfair must have listed the dimensions wrong,” said God, the boom of His distinctive voice audible miles below as He kicked at a cloud in anger, shouting that He had moved plenty of furniture in and out of the Pearly Gates over the millennia and had never had a problem until now. “Try turning it on its side, maybe? I personally don’t know how to take the hinges off, but maybe St. Peter does. Apparently, it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a shitty $400 sleeper sofa to enter into the kingdom of God.” At press time, sources confirmed that the Lord had smitten the CEO of Wayfair after being charged $79 for return shipping.