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Image for article titled Analysts: Biden Can Negate Debate Performance By Pulling Train With Chain Clenched Between Teeth

SATIRE NEWS: Biden Can Negate Debate Performance By Pulling Train With Chain Clenched Between Teeth

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WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of a disastrous night that left Democrats reeling over their candidate for the 2024 election, political analysts confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden could negate his debate performance by pulling a train with a chain clenched between his teeth. “Our post-debate polling indicates that one of the only way the president can recover from yesterday’s catastrophic evening is by gathering likely voters next to the train tracks and using the sheer power of his jaw and neck muscles to pull a 4,000-ton train,” said Democratic political strategists Thomas Fitzpatrick, who described how the feat of strength in which Biden would hold a steel rope in his mouth and rely solely on his own brawn to move a seven-coach train would go a significant way toward restoring trust in the 81-year-old’s fitness for office. “There’s no way to spin the president’s evening of rambling answers and unsettling gazes in a positive light for Democrats. The silver lining here is that the party does have options. For example, Biden could also take a cannonball to the stomach or put two women on either end of a pole and lift them way up over his head. Whatever they choose, Democrats should act now to avoid a potential loss in November.” Analysts added that Biden should also wear a striped leotard to show off his physique and convince voters his strength is real.



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