SATIRE NEWS: Glade Introduces New Meat Freshener Spray

RACINE, WI—Touting the product as a quick, easy way to take the putrid stench out of expired goods, household brand Glade announced Wednesday that it had released a brand-new meat freshener spray. “With Glade’s new meat freshener spray, say goodbye to animal products with rotting, foul odors, and hello to deliciousness,” said Glade spokesperson Anna Chastain, adding that the spray came in three different deodorizing flavors, including pork, chicken, and beef, and was perfect for spraying all kinds of meats, regardless of how long they’d been rotting. “Whether you’ve got a rancid mound of ground beef or a fish that’s been left out on a 90-degree day, just one spritz of Glade’s meat freshener spray can leave it smelling almost bacteria-free. Now, you don’t have to retch, gag, or vomit while forcing yourself to eat E. coli–laden goods. Plus, it kills almost 90% of maggots!” At press time, Chastain added that Glade had also unveiled a new deodorizing plug-in that could be inserted directly into the patties of fetid, months-old burgers.