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SATIRE NEWS: Finance Whiz Has Over $300 In Bank Account

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JANESVILLE, WI—A monetary wunderkind who has amassed a level of wealth the average American can only dream of, local finance whiz Jason Reed has over $300 in his bank account, sources confirmed Monday. “That’s not just $300 on paper—that’s 300 bucks, free and clear, in a checking account at Chase,” said a person close to Reed, speculating that the 24-year-old money-making phenom must possess an extensive knowledge of financial markets and a preternatural ability to navigate macroeconomic trends in order to possess hundreds of dollars in liquid assets. “Don’t ask me how he’s managed to accumulate that kind of dough, but he must have made some seriously shrewd deals and then taken advantage of a bunch of tax loopholes. I was at his house once, and he actually just had money lying around, including at least $25 worth of quarters in what I can only assume was some kind of high-yield coin jar.” At press time, Reed had reportedly lost everything he had after sinking all his money into a new set of tires when his car failed inspection.



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