SATIRE NEWS: FDA Issues Passive-Aggressive Reminder That Serving Tongs There For A Reason

SILVER SPRING, MD—Emphasizing that these guidelines had already been issued to the public plenty of times, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released a passive-aggressive safety alert Thursday reminding Americans that the serving tongs were there for a reason. “We just thought we’d let everybody know that serving tongs are not there for decoration, they are there to be used,” read the statement, the impetus for which was said to be the fact that the American public had “apparently forgotten how to use them” and needed its memory refreshed. “We’re not sure why we have to keep reminding you, since you seem to love buffets—this is your third plate, right? And before you all bother asking: No, it doesn’t matter if you managed to take one cookie and not touch the others. No, you won’t get sick from touching the tongs that everyone else touched. No, we don’t believe you when you say you’ve thoroughly washed your hands before approaching the food. Seems like you should have picked up on this by now, but we’re sure you have a really good reason to think you don’t have to follow the rules like everybody else.” At press time, the FDA had reportedly followed up with a condescending step-by-step video demonstrating how to use serving tongs.