SATIRE NEWS: Bloated Man Recalls Halcyon Days Of 7 Oreos Ago

LEXINGTON, KY—Clutching his stomach and describing his nostalgia for an era now passed, 36-year-old man Steven Dewey sat down with reporters this week and recalled his halcyon days of seven Oreos ago. “Ah, to be at the beginning of the pack with a whole sleeve still ahead of you,” said Dewey, appearing wistful as he brushed chocolate cookie crumbs out of his beard, off his hoodie, and onto the sofa. “Sure, I still have plenty of good Oreos left, but you can’t expect your eighth or ninth to be as fun-filled and exciting as those first few. That was a different time, of course, back before my stomach started cramping up on me all the time. I didn’t know how good I had it!” At press time, Dewey’s 5-year-old son had reportedly asked for an Oreo and received a lecture on how important it was not to take his cookie for granted.