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Present company excluded
Phone rings.
Friend: βItβs your birthday, so tell me what to get you for a gift.β
Me: βI donβt need another thing. Please. Just forget it.β
Friend: βAbsolutely not. I only need a suggestion.β
Me: βLook, forget it. I cannot use another thing.β
Friend: βOK. I wonβt ask anymore. Iβll just get you a sweater.β
Me: βYou got me that last year.β
Friend: βNo more arguments. Iβm getting a sweater.β
Me: βPlease. I have so many that sheep in Mongolia are lined up for me.β
Friend: βWhat color, green? How about a spring color like green?β
Me: βLook, letβs not do this. I donβt want green. I donβt even wear green.β
Friend: βOK, red.β
Me: βSo, OK, red.β
Friend. βSo what color red β orange-y, purple, pinkish?β
Me: βPlease, I donβt care. I donβt even want the thing.β
Friend: βNo need to get cranky. Iβm only asking a simple thing. Turtleneck? Long-sleeve? Buttons? No buttons? What?β
Me: βOK. Cardigan.β
Friend: βAnd what if they donβt have a cardigan?β
Me: βThen forget the damn thing altogether. Please. I donβt even want it.β
Friend: βIf not a cardigan, how about turtleneck?β
Me: βA turtleneck goes over the head and ruins your hair.β
Friend: βYouβre being so difficult.β
Me: βNot being difficult. I simply canβt think of anything. And donβt want you spending money on anything that wonβt work. Forget it. Send me some flowers. Or a container of chicken soup.β
Friend: βWith or without a matzo ball.β
Me: βMatzo ball.β
Friend: βAnd what if they donβt have any?β
One for the history books
To honor this majestic day of my birth, hereβs what happened in the city:
A health aide alleged discrimination after reporting an elderly patient touched themselves in front of her. Plus someone somewhere lodged some false arrest thing, and we had some subsequent body cavity search.
Also, a ceiling collapsed and a missing handrail caused another injury.
Then, bed bugs got found in a hotel, and there was an assault in an elevator, and the city sued for a construction. In addition to injury.
More: Hospitals sued somebody else, people fell on sidewalks, someone started a lawsuit against someone for breach of contract and American Express wants credit card holders to pay their charges.
In addition, we had a few car accidents, and we had asbestos exposure and more.
For NYC and me β a really special half bad day.
The immortal Sigmund Freud once said to a patient: βNo, youβre not paranoid. No, youβre not being followed. You just have toilet paper stuck to your shoe.β
Only remembered in New York, kids, only remembered in New York.