SATIRE NEWS: Yankees Move To Connecticut To Raise Kids

NEW YORK—Following months of soul searching and a protracted home sale negotiation, the New York Yankees reportedly moved to Southport, CT this week to settle down and raise their kids. “We really love this city and have had some of the best nights of our lives here, but we decided it was time to prioritize what’s best for our young family and put baseball second,” said team president Randy Levine, who convinced board members to sell Yankee Stadium after finding a charming colonial that has a yard large enough for the organization’s four young children—Olivia, Aiden, Michael, and Chloe—and that also happens to be in a great school district. “We’re definitely sad we won’t get to see our fans as much as we used to, but we’re only an hour from the city on the New Haven line, so hopefully they’ll come out to visit. There’s actually a lot of cool stuff to do here—like the brewery and the shows at the arts center—and we set the office up to double as a guest room.” Sources confirmed that the organization is looking forward to building an accessory dwelling unit for the team’s 78-year-old grandmother, Meredith.