SATIRE NEWS: Workaholic Father Finally Realizes Son’s Baseball Game More Important Than Civil Rights Law

WASHINGTON—Experiencing a sudden change of heart, longtime workaholic Eli Kaplan reportedly realized Monday that attending his son’s baseball game was far more important than his job as a top civil rights attorney. “It’s about time that I finally got my priorities straight,” said Kaplan while sitting at the baseball field, revealing that he had previously tossed a binder full of crucial documents into a garbage can, turned on his heels, sprinted down the court steps, and hopped in a taxi, directing the driver to the park. “What was I thinking? There will always be civil rights abuses, but Liam is only going to be a kid once. All those long hours just throwing away precious time defending freedom of speech, advocating for privacy, and gathering evidence of discrimination against clients. Now I know what really matters in this world. Every child has the unalienable right to see their old man cheering from the bleachers.” At press time, Kaplan’s son reportedly struck out during the first inning and sat out the rest of the game crying.