SATIRE NEWS: Woman Sets Timer To Make Cleaning More Stressful

COPPELL, TX—Rushing to wash a sink full of dishes and tidy the kitchen before her phone alarm went off, local woman Abby Hartz reportedly set a timer on Wednesday to make cleaning much more stressful. “I just like adding a layer of panic to the stress of doing a bunch of chores I hate,” said Hartz, noting that she prefers to break a long cleaning session into 15-minute chunks so that she can fail repeatedly instead of just once. “That added pressure keeps me focused on feeling incompetent as I race through barely cleaning the bathroom. When I sense that I have less than a minute left, I freak out and start half-ass wiping down the mirrors. Plus, I always blast dance music when I clean, which tricks my brain into associating my favorite songs with miserably scrubbing scum off the bathtub.” Hartz added that she planned to apply the timer technique to other parts of her life in an effort to measure her entire self worth by her productivity level.