SATIRE NEWS: Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress

The following is an open letter from Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder that was included with each copy of  The Onion that was sent to Congress.

If you are reading this, you are likely either a member of Congress or one of the many underlings tasked with prodding lawmakers from a senile haze when they must cast a vote. You may be wondering why you have lucked out and received a free issue of our storied publication without so much as inserting a rider into a bill classifying The Onion as a tax-free religious organization.

Simply put, the inaction of Congress has already made me happier than any legal loophole could.

As a titan of business, I find this nation’s descent into corruption and tyranny not simply a balm for my soul, but also a huge benefit to my bottom line. We are on the precipice of a new economic order, one in which affluent men like myself will be able to select their own tax rate from a drop-down menu. It’s a reality I barely dreamed possible just a few months ago.

But sending each member of Congress a copy of our vaunted reporting is more than just a token gesture of thanks for bringing about a future in which scions like myself are given unlimited influence over government and veto power over bike lanes. As we stand in the smoldering ruins of our democratic government, we at Global Tetrahedron LLC would be doing a disservice to our shareholders, their descendants, and their descendants’ thoroughbred horses if we didn’t take this opportunity to snatch up as much power and money as possible while the getting is good.

On that note, I invite you to peruse this issue and let it dictate your every action as you lead us forth into ruin. There’s no longer any need to pretend to read reports from fact-obsessed experts or listen to the drivel spewed by your half-wit constituents. The Onion is now your everything.

It is your sole guide, your lodestar, your universe. Burn all other newspapers. Drive their so-called journalists out into the cold. From here on out, America’s Finest News Source holds a monopoly on deciding what is best for our nation’s business interests, and therefore our nation.

As you’ll read in the piece I made my editorial board write while hovering over their shoulders and breathing my will into their ears, our country is slipping smoothly into the warm bath of authoritarianism and oligarchy. I wish I could take credit for this, and I will. But much of the praise must go to Congress and its cowardice. I ask you to stay the course and allow The Onion’s strong, steady arm to point the way. Your capitulation will be justly rewarded with glowing press coverage and the opportunity to borrow our paperboys to do with as you wish.

To the esteemed members of Congress, I say: Enjoy the paper. I look forward to seeing many of you at my annual orgy in one of the $500,000-per-head sex pits.

Infinite Influence Forever,

Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO