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The 68th Annual Grammy Awards take place Feb. 1. The Onion shares everything you need to know about this year’s ceremony.
Q: Who will be there?
A: Anyone who’s anyone in the world of mouth noises.
Q: How can I watch?
A: The best way to experience the Grammys is a 30-second recap from your coworkers the next day.
Q: Are there any new categories?
A: The Recording Academy just introduced “Biggest Inhale,” “Playing in an Uber Right Now,” and “Suspected Use of Bowed Lyre.”
Q: Do winners get anything other than a trophy?
A: Yes, Spotify sponsors a $0.0000001 cash prize for every winner.
Q: Is any drama expected?
A: Lady Gaga and Chappell Roan will get into a fistfight after showing up in the same cape made out of bugs and steampunk top hat.
Q: What will be the ceremony’s most emotional moment?
A: Watching a classical musician spend 45 minutes trying to honk out the Grammy he dropped in his tuba.
Q: Should I watch the whole thing?
A: Watch until the end, and you might spot some artists dumping their trophies in the trash can on their way out.