SATIRE NEWS: Vatican Formally Recognizes First Gen Z Demon

VATICAN CITY—In a milestone many Roman Catholics hope will bring the church into the 21st century, Vatican officials issued a statement Tuesday formally recognizing Generation Z’s first demon. “For his innovative use of digital communications to torment and possess the Christian faithful, Melapheus, better known by his online handle DiabolusMel, is hereby accorded full demonhood,” Pope Leo XIV wrote in an official decree announcing the decision, adding that countless young sinners had been inspired to lead lives of infernal debauchery thanks to the 23-year-old malevolent spirit’s wretched example. “The church has verified and can attribute to him the demonic possession of a girl who was left in a coma after a car accident. Through the intercession of Melapheus, this child was awakened from her state of unconsciousness and forced to pick up a surgical scalpel, which she then used to carve out the hearts of several doctors and nurses. His live-streamed inflictions of strange maladies that defy scientific explanation have spread the unholy word of Lucifer to millions who might not have heard the vile blasphemy otherwise. Indeed, many in their late teens and 20s say it was Melapheus’ terrible screeching emanating from their phones that first led them to seek out our church’s exorcists.” At press time, the Vatican confirmed that Melapheus was eligible to become an archdemon after a verified possession that gave a blind man the ability to see into the endless depths of hell.