SATIRE NEWS: Vatican Dispatches Micro-Missionaries On First-Ever Trip To Convert Native Bacteria

VATICAN CITY—Saying the effort could bring the Lord’s message to an entirely different scale of life, the Vatican dispatched its first-ever micro-missionaries Wednesday on a trip to convert native bacteria. “The church teaches that God’s glory shines upon all living things, even the heathen E. coli and salmonella bacteria our microscopic pastors will be ministering to,” said Archbishop Francesco Giordano Cacia, who described the painstaking effort that went into outfitting the tiny missionaries with 0.1-micron-wide Bibles and crucifixes far smaller than a grain of sand so that the “benighted microorganisms” might be educated about concepts such as heaven, hell, and the Holy Trinity. “Just because they worship a massive piece of rotting fruit now doesn’t mean these unicellular beings cannot eventually achieve salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. They might lack organelles or an organized nucleus, but we all share in God’s abundant love.” At press time, the Vatican lamented that dozens of spear-wielding bacteria had killed every member of its first micro-mission.