SATIRE NEWS: U.S. Tourists Advised To Temporarily Avoid Shootouts With Mexican Drug Cartels

WASHINGTON—In an effort to protect visitors to the violently contested territories south of the U.S. border, the State Department advised American tourists on Monday to temporarily avoid shootouts with Mexican drug cartels. “While at this time, we see no need for American travelers to cancel their vacations, we do strongly recommend that they refrain from exchanging gunfire with pistoleros from the Sinaloa Cartel or any other drug-trafficking enterprise with paramilitary capabilities,” said State Department spokesperson Hannah Griffin, who added that the Mexican military’s killing of the leader of the notorious Jalisco New Generation Cartel had inflamed the region and made the situation far more precarious for tourists hoping to carry out targeted assassinations and public executions of collaborators. “We’re not officially prohibiting American visitors from ambushing a group of soldados in the back of a pickup truck and publicly displaying their severed heads to intimidate police who might investigate. But we are suggesting that U.S. visitors focus on keeping themselves safe and, for the time being, leave their AK-47s in their hotel rooms.” Griffin later emphasized that once the situation in Mexico had stabilized, American tourists would be welcome to resume murdering with impunity.