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WASHINGTON—Hailing the move as a more wholesome and patriotic substitute for the current U.S. territory, conservative advocacy group Turning Point USA announced Thursday that it was setting up an alternative Puerto Rico. “Finally, Americans will be able to enjoy a family-friendly tropical paradise that actually celebrates traditional values,” said Turning Point CEO Erika Kirk, adding that the island would be known as “Port Rick,” a mistranslation of “Puerto Rico” that nevertheless reflected the new territory’s English-only mandate. “Good people who love America will no longer have to be intimidated by arroz con gandules and can sink their teeth into the new national dish, hamburgers. Of course, we’ll also be overhauling the music within our alternative Puerto Rico, replacing reggaeton and other aggressive styles with familiar, straight-ahead country music and Christian rock. And going forward, we’ll even be revamping the geography itself, swapping out the titillating bioluminescent bays for far less provocative basins of colorless water.” Kirk added that unlike the original Puerto Rico, the alternative would promptly receive disaster relief from the Trump administration.