SATIRE NEWS: Turkey-Weary Nation Makes Triumphant Return To Eating Shrimp

WASHINGTON—At long last able to rejoice as its days of wandering in a culinary desert reached an end, the nation’s turkey-weary populace has made a triumphant return to eating shrimp, crustacean-munching sources confirmed Wednesday. “Thanksgiving was tough, Christmas was even tougher, but at last our freezers are free of turkey leftovers and shrimp can return to its rightful place in our mouths, stomachs, and hearts,” said exultant seafood lover Ellen Bates, echoing the sentiments of millions of grinning Americans who clutched multiple shrimp-laden skewers in their hands and cheered as fishing trawlers loaded with shrimp pulled into harbors up and down the nation’s coasts. “No more must we suffer the indignity of boring, reheated turkey. Now we can consume dozens upon dozens of shrimp each day in all of shrimp’s miraculous forms: Popcorn. Scampi. Cocktail. Tempura. Ceviche—yes, God, ceviche! Never again will I take the fisherman’s platter for granted. Our long, dark night of Butterball is over, and a golden time of shrimp has dawned over America once more!” At press time, 340 million Americans were reportedly in the bathroom and not feeling so well.