SATIRE NEWS: Trump To Victims’ Families: ‘I’m Doing Everything Possible To Resegregate Flight Schools’

WASHINGTON—Pledging to restore racial purity to the nation’s aviation programs, President Donald Trump assured the families of American Eagle Flight 5342 victims on Friday that he was doing everything possible to resegregate flight schools. “You have my promise that I’m working around the clock to make sure our beautiful Caucasian pilots—who are just trying to focus on training without any ‘woke’ distractions—will no longer be thrown together with the Black pilots and others like them,” Trump said in one of dozens of personal phone calls he made to loved ones of the 67 people lost in the tragic midair crash. “In this incredible country’s best aviation schools, we will have the biggest ‘Whites Only’ signs on each classroom door, so everyone knows that DEI is not welcome there. No more mixing in our cockpits. Only the whitest, purest pilots can fly from this day forward.” Trump then grew visibly emotional, adding that he was sure this was what every soul who perished in the disaster would have wanted.