SATIRE NEWS: Trump Says Recession Unfortunate But Necessary Step To Get To Depression

WASHINGTON—Warning that Americans should brace themselves for an economic “period of transition,” President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that a recession would be an unfortunate but necessary step on the way to all-out depression. “Look, what we’re doing is very big and will cause some pain, but that pain is necessary to cause total economic collapse,” Trump said during a press conference, adding that while his decision to implement billions of dollars in tariffs on foreign imports and fire 20,000 federal workers could cause a temporary disturbance, Americans would ultimately emerge much, much worse for it. “Things might be bad for a little while, but we’re okay with that, because we know that in the end these policies will drive markets into a deadly tailspin and push the economy to a point of no return. Trust me. Some hardship now will only make your bank accounts more empty in the long run. If everything goes right, none of you will be able to afford food, housing, or retirement ever again.” At press time, many of Trump’s most vocal defenders stressed that they trusted the president to usher in the greatest depression the nation had ever seen.