SATIRE NEWS: Trump Calmly Reminds Nation That Desire The Root Of All Suffering

WASHINGTON—Seeking to reassure the public after his latest tariffs sent both U.S. and international markets into free fall, President Donald Trump calmly reminded the nation Thursday that desire is the root of all suffering. “My fellow Americans, remember that attachment to worldly things stands at the very foundation of the illusions that lead us to experience deep anguish,” said the commander-in-chief, who reportedly sat in a full lotus position on the Oval Office floor as he noted that to base one’s contentment on access to affordable food, cars, electronics, shoes, clothing, furniture, or various other imports was to make one’s existence as fickle as the stock market itself. “You tell yourself, ‘I want eggs,’ but explain to me what this ‘I’ is that you speak of? Can you point to it? Of course not. ‘I’ is a prison you’ve built for yourself. So long as you live within the ‘I,’ you live in a perpetual dream. Only when we dissolve this ‘I’ can we extinguish all of the terrible clinging and instead start living authentically in the realm of awakened life.” At press time, Trump had concluded by noting that it was thus that his Liberation Day tariffs were the path to freeing oneself from the karmic wheel of samsara.