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WASHINGTON—In response to market panic about his new wide-ranging tariffs, President Donald Trump reportedly offered Wall Street assurance Friday that he would soon go back to just fucking over poor people. “While my trade policy might cause some temporary hardships for investors, it’s ultimately intended to completely fucking destroy the livelihoods of the financially destitute,” said Trump, urging calm by insisting that big banks, hedge funds, and other major players should take a longer-term view to understand that his tariffs were necessary to increase widespread suffering among the impoverished. “My focus is and has always been on ruining the lives of the lower classes. This is just a short-term reorienting of our economy so we can get back to doing what America does best: taking advantage of the needy. In time, these tariffs will liberate the rich and destroy the well-being of the most vulnerable among us, from minimum-wage workers to the homeless.” The president went on to state that his plan to bring wealth back to the affluent and crush the welfare of those in desperate need was “going very well.”