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WASHINGTON—In an effort to dispel any fears that the ongoing trade wars might negatively impact net profits, President Donald Trump reportedly assured U.S. farmers Monday that Barron would eat their crops. “No need for great American farmers to worry—that boy of mine can put away as many acres of corn as you can throw at him,” said Trump, adding that Barron had already eliminated the national dairy surplus that morning with breakfast. “Whether you’ve got wheat, barley, or sorghum, nothing goes to waste with my Barron. I think he’s still growing. If China doesn’t want those 10,000 pounds of soybeans anymore, he’ll take care of ’em for you. Hell, he’ll probably eat cotton if you put a little cheese on it.” At press time, dozens of farmers had reportedly lost fingers after forgetting to offer Barron their potatoes on a flat, open palm.