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An estimated 120 million packages are stolen every year. With holiday shopping in full swing,The Onion shares tips for preventing package theft.
Ask neighbors to keep an eye out for any packages they’d like to steal themselves.
Have your packages sent to a P.O. box so that you won’t pick them up either.
Employ a grizzled watchman to stalk about your grounds with a raised lantern and a wary eye.
Request that your delivery worker idle in your driveway until you get back from vacation.
Go deep undercover and spend the next five years violently ascending the ranks of the local package thief ring.
Get a dog so that any would-be thieves take the dog instead of your packages.
Sign up for in-home delivery, allowing workers to place your packages inside as long as they agree to never, ever open the red door at the end of the long, dark hall.
Gain direct access to Amazon warehouses by seducing Jeff Bezos.
Install a Ring flamethrower.
Cultivate a state of vairagya and move beyond material desires; the package was never truly yours to begin with.