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Millions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season, The Onion looks at the history of the most popular Christmas toys.
1877: Millions of trees are felled across the country to keep up with children’s demands for woodcuts of President Rutherford B. Hayes.
1933: Do you think papa wanted to give you an old potato skin for Christmas, son? Look at me. Look at me, son!
1945: Children across the country were ecstatic to receive a Slinky—a goddamn giant spring. And now they expect me to shell out for an Oculus?
1959: The six-decade-long marketing campaign for Greta Gerwig’s 2023 summer blockbuster begins with the introduction of the Barbie doll.
1963: The Easy Bake Oven is released, priming the nation’s socially inept children for years of preparing single-serving meals.
1975: The Pet Rock skyrockets in popularity among drunk dads stumbling their way home on Christmas morning without a gift.
1993: The Beanie Baby is introduced to the world, definitively showing the triumph of capitalism over communism.
1998: A nation becomes obsessed with Solve My Murder Elmo.
2009: Anyone who’s anyone at school is rocking Le Creuset’s Signature Enameled Cast Iron Braiser.
2027: Hasbro’s Immigrant-Catching Net gives a generation of thoroughbred American children a chance to get in on the action.