SATIRE NEWS: The U.S. Open By The Numbers

Jannik Sinner, Coco Gauff, and more of the world’s top tennis players are squaring off in New York for a major title in the fourth and final Grand Slam of the year. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the U.S. Open.

29:

Ball boys worn through in the average match

1.5:

Hours the tennis balls are allowed to roam freely each day

1990:

Year spectators barred from using distracting leaf blowers in stands

2 million:

People who thought this one was golf

8th Dimension:

Home of alternate reality in which Menendez brothers win men’s doubles tournament

14.5 Miles:

Sound blast radius of Aryna Sabalenka’s grunt

9:

Serves per game driven directly into jiggling flesh of streaker

84:

Hours until the NFL kicks off

1:

Player whose hard work won’t have been a giant waste of time