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Gregory Bovino, who was responsible for immigration enforcement operations in Minnesota, has been ousted as the U.S. Border Patrol’s “commander at large.” The Onion sat down with Bovino to discuss his career at the agency.
The Onion: What would you say to people who call you Gestapo?
Bovino: I’d ask why they aren’t speaking English.
What are you most proud of?
The collection of children’s backpacks mounted on my wall.
How do you respond to people who say your coat looks like an SS coat?
It’s not an SS coat. It’s a Wehrmacht M42 Greatcoat.
How did you get started in law enforcement?
Border Patrol scouted me after they heard I was making other people at the gun range uncomfortable.
Do you regret the killings in Minnesota?
Yes. Our mission has always been to spread terror, and due to our recklessness, there are now two less people who can feel it.
What’s next for you?
I’ve accepted a position grabbing kids’ legs from under their beds at night.