SATIRE NEWS: ‘The Harvest!’ Shrieks Forgetful Amish Guy

LANCASTER, PA—Leaping up from his rocking chair as the realization filled him with utter panic, forgetful Amish guy Amos Yoder suddenly and loudly shrieked ‘The harvest!’ on Thursday, according to Pennsylvania Dutch sources. “The crops, the crops! Amos, you old Wutz, you’ve gone and messed everything up again,” Yoder was overheard shouting as he hastily pulled on an overcoat and ran out to his field, where he reportedly fell to his knees and began brushing snow from the ground with his bare hands while groping blindly for rutabagas. “Oh no, all the squash is totally ruined! The corn, too. Ach, I was wondering why the autumn felt so relaxed this year. No way my entire family makes it through the winter now, and I already lost two daughters last year after forgetting the right way to store apples. Oh, I guess I forgot to harvest the apples, too. Shit! Samuel, son, go fetch the oxen—we have to salvage as much as we can! Eh? What do you mean they’re gone? Oh Christ, did I leave the gate open again?” At press time, reports confirmed Yoder had suffered a nervous breakdown after his neighbor stopped by to see if the barn he’d asked Yoder to raise would be ready by Friday.