SATIRE NEWS: Target Losing Market Share As More Americans Opt To Forgo All Earthly Possessions

MINNEAPOLIS—After months of declining sales at the retail chain, experts confirmed Tuesday that Target was losing market share due to more Americans opting to forgo all earthly possessions. “While Target used to have a loyal customer base that would leave the store laden with everything from cosmetics to home decor, millions of U.S. shoppers are now switching over to giving up worldly goods all together,” said Edward Jones analyst Yvonne Carr, who explained that Target’s plunging stock prices were due in large part to customers realizing they did not need material possessions to be happy. “They’ve unfortunately realized that satisfaction is not found through ceramic mugs and storage bins. Boots and slippers were flying off the shelves a year ago, but now customers would rather cast off all their possessions and wander barefoot into the wilderness. If Target doesn’t make some major changes fast, its customers might never return to society.” At press time, Carr acknowledged that bath mats were still selling well.