SATIRE NEWS: Taco Bell Announces It’s Plumb Out Of Ideas For New Places To Put Beef

IRVINE, CA—Despite the fast food chain’s self-described dedication to innovation, Taco Bell announced Friday that it was plumb out of ideas for new places to put ground beef. “We’re stumped—we can’t think of anywhere else to put our signature seasoned beef at the moment,” said Nathan Chisholm, a disheveled-looking member of the Taco Bell product team who stressed that they needed to come up with something really soon because the beef was piling up. “We have already done it all: inside a hard shell, in between two tortillas, outside of a tortilla. Have we put it in lettuce? Yeah, that’s right, we’ve definitely put it in lettuce already. We’ve rolled it up. We’ve sprinkled some in the bottom of the bag, packed it into a cup, crammed it in the ice machine. We’ve put taco meat in places that I can never repeat. What about a bun? No, no, that wouldn’t work. That’s it—we’re pulling an all-nighter!” At press time, Taco Bell had unveiled its new limited-time offer of a fistful of beef.