SATIRE NEWS: Surgeon General: ‘You Are Supposed To Be Able To Button Your Pants’

WASHINGTON—Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory to the American public Thursday in which he clarified that people were supposed to be able to button their pants. “It should be a smooth effortless action that involves no protracted struggle to connect the two sides of the garment’s waist,” said Murthy, who added that buttoning your pants only to moments later have a seam rip or a button fly off still fell short of the government’s recommended clothing standards. “Leaving your shirt untucked so no one can tell that your pants are not buttoned or declaring that all your pants shrunk several sizes in the dryer are also unacceptable solutions. In addition, pants are meant to accommodate basic inhalation and exhalation, so you should be capable of taking a deep breath while wearing them.” At press time, the surgeon general’s office had received thousands of complaints about pants, and a visibly exasperated Murthy told Americans to just forget about his advisory and go buy themselves a nice pair of elastic jeggings.