SATIRE NEWS: Surgeon General Recommends Adding Cancer Warning To All Nuclear Bombs

WASHINGTON—Pointing to the mounting scientific evidence showing the risks of using such explosive devices, outgoing U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory this week in which he recommended adding cancer warning labels to all nuclear bombs. “Nuclear bombs can cause cancer anywhere they are detonated, yet far too few Americans understand the dangers of standing in a nuclear blast zone for even a few minutes every day,” said Murthy, who described the warning labels as a necessary corrective to counter decades of misinformation from nuclear weapon makers. “Back in the ’50s and ’60s, detonating a thermonuclear device every once in a while was seen as a harmless way to blow off some steam with friends. These days, though, we know that’s not the case, particularly for those who are nursing or pregnant. These labels will ensure that Americans understand they are putting their health at stake when they set off a few fusion bombs during a night out.” Murthy added that California had already been applying such labels for decades and had seen a marked decline in nuclear bomb users.