SATIRE NEWS: Sun Unsure What It Has To Do To Get Humans To Worship It Again

HOUSTON—Coming to terms with its diminished status after thousands of years as a venerated deity commanding pure devotion, the sun admitted this week that it was unsure what it had to do to get humans to worship it again. “Last year I tried this huge total eclipse, and that didn’t do shit,” the sun said via a series of violent solar flares translated by NASA astronomer Wayne Stern, who noted the yellow dwarf star’s displeasure that it no longer received sacrificial offerings of human virgins or even herd animals. “How can I make it any more glaringly obvious that I am an omnipotent force deserving of unwavering loyalty? I’m the largest object in the sky. I am life and I am death. I am creator and destroyer. I am the motherfucking sun. How can there be any doubt that I am God?” On Monday evening, the sun announced it had officially given up after thousands of humans stepped out into the backyard to admire a particularly neat full moon.