SATIRE NEWS: Study: More Single Millennials Settling For Parrot Who Can Dial 911

NEW YORK—Shedding light on the demographic shifts that have transformed the generation’s relationships, a Hunter College study published Monday revealed that more single millennials were settling for a parrot who could dial 911. “We’re finding that an increasing number of millennials are forgoing a serious romantic partner in favor of a cockatiel or macaw who can reliably peck out a number for emergency services,” said Sandra Brooks, a co-author of the study, which surveyed 12,000 Americans to determine that far more individuals born between 1981 and 1996 now saw scattering seed on their phone screen to train a parrot as their most realistic option if they wished to experience something that approached companionship. “Many respondents said they were excited to finally get off the grind of dating apps, and they explained that living with a colorfully plumed tropical bird who could get an ambulance sent to their apartment was, frankly, good enough. Some female participants even felt that they were happier with a parrot than a human partner, given that such birds could trill out a little song and would never ghost them. All the better if they could also screech, ‘She’s dying, she’s dying, she’s dying,’ to alert a neighbor.” The study added that many millennials who could not easily find a parrot were also perfectly fine with a street pigeon who could mistakenly tap out 9-3-9.